These feeling come every time we are waiting for a test result, the unknown swoops in and steals my time and my mind! I tell myself all the usual things, all is well, trust the moment, no one knows the future. Writing helps me release the stress of what I know I have no control over. I am pensive when I need to write, I stalk the work until the energy builds and I can express what is inside me.
It is difficult to admit to myself that this is hard as I am a positive thinker. I thought I was prepared as I have been doing healing work for many years. The real truth is you cannot know or really prepare for something like this. Self-sacrifice is hard. Being a giver I have run the gambit of emotions, fear, guilt, resentment, exhaustion, anger, have I mentioned anger???
I have found and lost faith again and again, trust comes in and out, anger has taught me so much about myself and healthy boundaries. I have experienced surrender, grief for what is and what was lost. Fear and stress over what to do or not do and when to do it, as well as the wisdom to know I have the answer. What will be and how would I live if the unthinkable comes to pass?
When I think I run out, I reach in and there is more. I find joy in connection as I receive all things needed, when it was needed and before. I feel divine presence in the face of darkness, as they both dwell within.
To get to the other side I must own my emotions, all the while in the back of my mind I know the universe is caring for us, every step. How things have come to Joe and I over the course of this experience has been miraculous!
I want to capture and hold on to peace, which is illusive and fleeting. When I am still and breathing, all is right in my world.
I am conscious of how important it is for me to care for all my bodies. The need for balance is paramount to my well-being. Being empathic I find at times I need to shelter myself to stay strong.
I am learning to allow life to be, moving my feelings aside and do what is necessary in the moment. The birth of my new self will not allow me to ignore what I feel, regardless of what others think. I channel my wise woman into manifestation. It can be overpowering to some, to me it is an act of unconditional love.
We came together to bear witness to one anther’s journey and create a family. The last 3 years have challenged us on so many levels. There is wisdom to be shared in the stories we live. I consciously choose to be here, with him, 24/7, as it is “our” journey. Being with Joe has challenged me to be my best self, giving it all for love!
Some have said they think it crazy, for me, I don’t want to miss a thing!!